Self-criticism, complaining, venting. All of us succumb to these at times, (some folks more than others) with one of several goals (conscious or unconscious) in mind. Robin Kowalski, Ph.D., Professor of Psychology at Clemson University, breaks down complainers into three types:
- Venters are those dissatisfied people who aren’t really interested in solutions. They can leave a wake of negativity in their path, even if they realize some sort of release from the process of complaining.
- Sympathy Seekers engage in habitual complaining aimed at conveying just how much worse life is for them, mainly for the purpose of eliciting sympathy from the recipient.
- Chronic Complainers experience the most anxiety and worry. Living in a constant state of what some researchers refer to as “ruminating,” they keep thinking and complaining about the same problem. And rather than feeling a release (like a Venter might), they worsen the problem.
Neuroscience teaches us that life experiences help our brains form neural connections. The phrase “neurons that fire together, wire together” was coined by neuropsychologist Donald Hebb to simplify the process by which neural networks are formed. With repetitive thinking, the brain learns to trigger the same neurons each time. If that thinking is along the lines of complaining, self-criticizing, or worrying, your brain automatically takes the shortest neurological path to anxiety and greater reactivity. Over time, it will become easier to be negative than positive.
So how does one break the cycle?
Luckily, there is something called neuroplasticity. We can rewire our brains and neural connections as the result of our experiences and conscious efforts at positivity. It really boils down to just two steps:
- Take notice – This is the most vital step. You cannot make positive change if you do not notice that you’ve fallen into the complaint trap. When you notice yourself in the midst of a complaint (one that serves no real purpose, but more on that in a minute), do not chastise yourself, rather, give yourself credit for your awareness.
- Be grateful – Make a conscious choice to focus on something you are grateful for, regardless of how small. Shifting your thoughts to gratitude actually helps reduce the stress hormone cortisol, thus reducing anxiety. It is difficult to simultaneously complain and be grateful at the same time.
That’s it! But it will take practice and time to translate this new-found wisdom into a new way of default thinking. The more often you shift your thoughts to positivity, the more habitual this will become.
Does this mean that we should always view life through rose-colored glasses? No, but complaining should only ever be solution-oriented: complaining with a purpose. If you cannot identify a purpose to your complaint or the outcome you are seeking, it’s likely that you’ve fallen back into the habit of one of the types identified above. If you’ve identified a purpose, follow these guidelines:
- Begin with something positive – It helps diffuse defensiveness and foster connections.
- Be specific – Focus on the one issue at hand, not a laundry list of prior injustices. Addressing only the current situation as specifically as possible should lead to a better outcome.
- End on a good note – Expressing the hope that the issue can be resolved amicably has a much better chance of being well-received, provided the message is conveyed with sincerity.
Thanks to the ideas expressed by Entrepreneur and Tiny Buddha for their insight into rewiring your brain for positivity. Those wishing to delve deeper into the art of practicing skillful thoughts and actions (a wise effort) will enjoy Awakening the Buddha Within: Tibetan Wisdom for the Western World by Lama Surya Das.