Do you fear having a difficult conversation with someone in your life? Not all conversations are easy to have with loved ones or children or co-workers. Discussing politics, money, racism, health concerns, and other tricky topics can lead to intense talks, and you may wonder how you should navigate those potentially rocky seas.
The WSJ received some top-notch advice from Christopher Voss, “a former hostage negotiator for the Federal Bureau of Investigation and CEO and founder of the Black Swan Group, which trains companies and individuals to negotiate. He has decades of experience guiding people through conversations that are high tension and high stakes.”
Here are some of his approaches to consider:
Envision doing things right: People too often picture entering a tough conversation with the end result of getting angry. You need to prepare yourself for the conversation with the idea that you’ll have a healthy discussion that leads to understanding. Rewire yourself for gratitude that someone was willing to listen to your thoughts and opinions and to have the conversation.
“Instantly, by shifting into gratitude, I thought of all the things I needed to say to make it an effective conversation.”
Have a goal in mind: Your goal should be to make the other party feel understood. This builds trust between the two of you and reinforces the bonding chemical in your brain. This will work to your advantage, as the feeling of bonding with someone produces the chemical oxytocin in your brain, which leads to a feel-good sensation. As a listener, you should have the goal of listening and summarizing the other’s perspective.
“You especially want to focus on articulating any negative thoughts they have. Don’t dispute or deny them. When the word “but” comes out of your mouth you are denying and it is time to shut up.”
Make them feel heard: This plays into the last point; when someone doesn’t feel heard, they become angry, and it’s difficult for them to see another perspective. Think back to a time when you felt heard during a heated discussion; you’ll remember that you were able to let your guard down and listen to responses without judgement. Acknowledging that someone is upset will work to calm them down, de-escalating the situation. They’ll feel that you’re in this together.
“Ask yourself: What is this person saying about this situation and about me right now? We usually know what people are saying. We just don’t want them to say it. Say it out loud and see how they respond.”
Start the conversation in the right way: Be courageous in opening the conversation in an honest manner. If you acknowledge that someone is upset with you or that they may not agree with you, you’ve already moved past the initial roadblock and you can begin to have an open conversation about it. If negative emotions are an obstacle, acknowledge them and accelerate the process of getting past them.
“This has to do with the emotional wiring in our brain. Brain science shows that every time you identify a negative emotion, that negative feeling diminishes.”
Avoid the common pitfalls in a conversation: Don’t get angry. You’ll stay calm if you’re actively working towards making the other side feel heard, which will help you better articulate your feelings and keep the conversation flowing. Allow the other side to have their opinion, and don’t try to explain to them why it’s wrong.
“Once you’ve listened to their viewpoint and they feel heard, there’s a really good chance you won’t need to explain your point at all.”
Figure out how to move forward: Once you’ve allowed someone to feel heard and understood, ask them how you can move forward after this conversation. This allows them to take a step back from the conversation and consider what was just discussed. You’re shifting the problems back onto the other person without doing so directly. This is a non-combative way of getting someone to think about their position on the topic and consider if it can be changed.
“The answer isn’t nearly as important as the thought process you forced them to go through. The “how” question is designed to get them to think about negative consequences.”
Of course, after all of that, there could be a stalemate on the issue. If this is the case, remember that the last impression is the greatest impression. Keep your final words positive, and this may plant the seed that’s necessary for the person to reflect later about the discussion that just took place. If you end on a poor note, then the conversation may have been all for nothing, as your angry final words will be what the other person remembers, rather than the ideas you presented.
Stay positive and be grateful that they’re willing to listen and learn from you!